Britain's Got Talent

The best act in the first episode of Britain's Got Talent is a dance troupe called Attraction. But are they a dance troupe? They don't really dance. They go behind a screen, become silhouettes – people, but also buildings, cars, trees, graves, camels.

Britain’s Got Talent offers us people who genuinely love their act – they must do, as some of them have clearly taken years to perfect it. Years of tedious, boring practice, which doesn’t afford them any opportunity to look at themselves in the mirror and assess their progress towards looking like someone cool.

I'm sure the most intelligent of us will have realised by now that not only is this one of the most garbage shows on British television, it's also the fakest, most manipulative and downright cynical shows to ever grace television in general.

Presented by Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly, this new show sets out to find the best talent that would have the chance to win £100,000...